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Repose by John Singer Sargent

Image by Alaskan Dude via Flickr

I’m of a certain age where a woman should have already had kids, been married, divorced, re-married, etc., but I’ve done none of the above.  There was a time I wondered why I never received a proposal and yes, sort of felt sorry for myself, but that was long ago. I’ve come to understand that perhaps my role in staying single was far more powerful than any “love” I encountered.

I have no regrets. Truthfully. I’m sorry if I hurt someone in my past but I can promise it was not intentional.  I was yet another lost soul looking for love in all the wrong places (everything has a musical reference).

Actually I don’t think I was looking for love at all, I was looking for approval and (predictably) keen on men who I knew absolutely and positively would never give it. Ever. Pretty smart on my part, eh?  So I’ve nobody to blame but myself for never having been down the aisle or pregnant. If I dig deep enough I suppose I never wanted to get married, at least in the traditional sense. Those that know me, know that I believe in a certain amount of tradition but again, man may make the rules that society lives by, but I make the decisions regarding my life. Not all women in the world can say that.

The funny (yet sort of terrible) thing about being this kind of woman is that some dumb-dumbs think it’s okay to ask why and then follow it up with; “Are you a Lesbian?” Dumb-dumbs. Thankfully, for the most part people have stopped asking me that question.  Am I an eccentric? Yes, I suppose I am. Am I just like you in some ways, probably. I find everyone eccentric. Humans are weird and I love it. Sadly most do not embrace their originality, hence all the troubles on the personal front.

But as I’ve said before, just because I do not live as you do does not mean that I condemn you or find your lifestyle ugly.  I can appreciate what kind of relationships people have but I don’t have to live them.  I live a life that most do not approve of because of societies “rules” but frankly I don’t care anymore, that is their problem not mine and shows a lack of intelligence on their part because…I’m happy.

I’m also lucky. I like being my age, flaws and all and no longer have the issues I had as a young woman. It is sad though that I did not find myself attractive when I was younger because I can say that like Henry Rollins, I was a hottie.

I do not have regrets because it is a waste of time. I’ve made my mistakes and learned from them and just want to keep my eyes on the horizon as much as possible. So there is no rush to the altar, nor a rush to get knocked up, or get my hands on someones bank account (not that there was ever a rush for any of those things). I can relax and take my time, enjoying every minute and not define myself by my marital status…or lack thereof.

In my opinion, to enjoy an intimate relationship with longevity you need to be on the same path – of which there are many.

But by all means, if you smell a Narcissist run for your life!

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