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For God’s sake do not pull up to the bumper, they don’t exist!

Is the lack of bumpers on today’s automobile a metaphor for life? There is nothing protecting you from the other guy anymore. Nothing to soften the blow, nothing to deflect metal; breathe on the back of a car and it bruises.

Seriously, what happened to the bumper? Oh I know they are there and that they are disguised but why? I thought they looked cool and made a great deal of sense, plus, I happen to have an enormous one. I only have to nudge one of these new vehicles like that loathsome Prius and it screams in pain. The owner runs out asking what I’ve done! It’s not like I bumped you on purpose okay? I drive a huge car with a bumper and if you had a bumper too it wouldn’t make a difference when you park like a jackass and I have to nudge your car to get into the parking space behind you. But since you have no bumper, a blemish appears on your rear-end and you have to run to the Toyota dealership for Botox.

This must be the reason there are no bumpers anymore: dealerships. I wonder how much it costs to have those nonexistent lips patched up and painted? I’ve been paying closer attention to new cars, the bumper is a thing of the past. Personally I thought the bumper was cool, so were bench seats. You can’t really snuggle in a car anymore can you? The bench seat was the best.

Well you can have your silly cars with no bumpers. I will take my rig any day over those characterless machines. If your sissy car hits my beast you are in for a hell of a ride.