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Figure 15 from Charles Darwin's The Expression...

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When I was a hottie 21-year-old, I had a baby kidnapped from me, was held hostage, at gunpoint, and told I was to die.  Sadly, this is a common tale. Violence is a common tale and it comes in many forms. Violence can also be so subtle that it sneaks upon you like a virus and you’ve no choice but to be brave and take it.  Oooh now I’m all spooky and stuff!  Sorry.

Yes, when I was a wee lass I had a child kidnapped from me, was tied up and told it was lights out time. Although the “perpetrator” didn’t put it so politely.  Most people hate this story and I absolutely understand why. When I tell it (and a I tell it rarely) I go into a sort of trance and have to finish the whole tedious adventure or my mind and emotions get stuck and it’s possible melt down time.  What I’ve noticed is that (again, sadly) more common than not, there are 2 reactions to my experience:

1) The listeners eyes glaze over.

or they say…

2) “Oh well you should hear what happened to me.”

As if it were a competition.

I write of this now because sometimes people hold us hostage with their language. For most of my life I’ve held my tongue because I was raised a certain way; but as I’ve gotten older I try to remain polite but do not let people run roughshod over me.  Like anyone else I’m prone to fancy and can exaggerate the truth but I do my best to be honest. I try not to speak when its unnecessary but that never goes well because I’m a blabbermouth and have little discipline.  I also have a problem with authority.

If I think there is something to learn I listen. If I don’t, I blabber. I will give myself some credit and say that I’ve learned to keep silent more now because it seems mostly we waste our words with unbridled emotion.  Where I screw up is when I say nothing when I should have said something, etc. But at the end of the day it’s all about trying not to hurt anyone.

Back to my oh so muddled point.

After the kidnapping debacle (where everything turned out for the best…on paper), I found that I had a very difficult time when I felt I was being controlled by someone. Afterall, someone had taken the rights to my life rather callously and since I made it through that nightmare, I won’t (if I can help it) let myself be caught up in another less egregious trap.

This is leading somewhere…I hope.

My earlier post was about anger and its power. The child in me wishes to please everyone but she is growing more intelligent (finally) and realizes that people take advantage, they lie and they distort the truth to suit themselves. I hate being called out on the mat and told I’ve been naughty because there is so much shame involved- or I used to think so.  Nowadays I don’t feel shame. I try to learn from my mistake and hope it doesn’t happen again. Of course invariably it does.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am fallible. I try my best to be good and kind but I screw up constantly. I fall, and I get up. Thats all I can do.

Back to the hostage thing.

I make mistakes often but I try never to take hostages with my emotions or my problems. I don’t always succeed but it is my goal. So when I feel that someone is unwilling to do the same, unwilling to look at their own behavior but continue to assault, then I feel the duck tape on my ankles, hands and mouth- and I would rather walk away (because I can) than go through that again.

As an artist I have been labeled (what, you people think I don’t know?) and eyebrows have been raised at my lifestyle, which is quite tame I assure you. I might be a sarcastic, emotional, goofball, but I don’t judge others. Oh I might make a quip here and there but I know that we are all just trying to live and be good. Or at least I hope we are.

So be mindful of your speech. Mindful of your actions. Someone is always listening and taking note even if you think they aren’t they are, because YOU are listening to yourself and that echo is always there, never to be erased. There are consequences (good and bad) to everything we do.

The truth shall out and hey, it will also set you free.

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