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Sir John Gilbert's 1849 painting: The Plays of...

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Last night I dreamt that I wrote a piece called Power Source so I decided I might as well write it. While I have no idea what it is supposed to be about, I do find the title catchy and available for word play.

I also dreamt I was a yoga teacher and boy did it bring up a lot of self-doubt. While I have often thought of becoming a teacher, I always saw myself teaching the elderly or olderly as I like to call them. I imagined I would teach people who actually wanted to heal their bodies, not the ones who merely wanted to show off their bodies and oil their egos. But in my dream there were a few beginners in my class and the rest were people who were in teacher training. These were the kind of students I would normally avoid because they already feel they know everything.

I’ve seen these women and men often, and while I hate to blanket them all with my irrational resentment, most of them give off an air of superiority and selfishness. I suppose they feel they have the right to trash the studio with food, clothing and negativity because they pay so much money for the course…a course that does not guarantee a job. Well it might guarantee a desk job, just not a teaching job.

In my dream I had to get the attention of people who had no interest in what I had to say because they were jaded and felt they already knew everything there was to know about yoga. My insecurities began to take over and I found it more and more difficult to teach the class. At a certain point I managed to gain control and then I suppose that is where the “Power Source” thingy came into my consciousness.

What does power source mean to you? Does it mean plugging into electricity, God, endorphins, money, sex, love, family…?

Yesterday I picked up a copy of Parabola and the subject of this issue is Seeing. Parabola is a quarterly magazine whose focus I believe is myth, spirituality, philosophy and the human experience. I’ve only picked it up once before and enjoyed it very much. After reading the first 3 articles in this issue, I realized that it spoke to me directly. This morning I am profoundly aware that my power source, what drives me as an artist, a human, etc., is seeing.

When I was younger I wanted to be an actress and thank the heavens I did not pursue it. I used to think that my desire was based in my love of Shakespeare and while this was true, I’m now aware that my wish was based in my ability to watch people, mimic and see everything around me. Becoming an artist was my way of extending those “talents” into a presumably safer arena than the theater.

Being a painter I am attempting to show you another way of seeing something; a view, an object, a feeling. If I am able, through my vision I will be able to articulate something that you as the viewer could not. And yes, there is great importance in this ability. How we see things can open our hearts and minds to others and ultimately I feel this is my purpose. Not just as an artist but as a human being.

While there are many days I sit and wonder what the hell I am doing with my life, there are just as many days that I understand my journey completely. I do not strive for world domination, great financial success, cultural acceptance, or even grand artistic recognition. I only want to respect my “power source” and all that it entails – which isn’t always easy.  We are all given some kind of “power” that is unique to every person. At a certain age people become disenchanted with their power and seek another. Sometimes they find it because they’ve understood that they spent most of their lives using a power that was learned as a necessary function for survival, other times an individual comes right back home to the self they already had.

Am I making any sense? I am in what is called my mid-life and each day someone else expresses a frustration to me that they are unsatisfied on some deep level but cannot seem to get out of the quick sand that is  “mid-life crisis“. Seeing is available to us all, with or without our eyes. Paying attention to a feeling is a form of sight, and ignoring it usually leads to yet another form of sadness. Pay attention to what is around you no matter how minute.

There is a power source within 2 feet of where you sit, or as Trebbe Johnson says in “Where’s The Temple?: Seeing Behind the Foreground

“Beauty and epiphany bide their time in the sidewise glance.”

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