About 10 years ago I took a tour of Prescott University in Prescott, Arizona. What would be my desired education? River rafting. Yep there is or was an outdoor education offered there. I wanted to be a river guide. Yes, moi.

My big brother went with me and when we arrived at the university I asked him where we should start and he took me directly to the bookstore. I wasn’t sure what his point was but we walked in and he dragged me to the magazine rack. He said always check the magazine rack at a college book store and you will be able to tell what kind of school it is. He is a funny guy. Needless to say, I did not attend the school.

I’m a jumble of contradictions, I know. Oh maybe not contradictory, maybe just more of a chameleon. I always saw myself having a more outdoorsy life but the good old PTSD in me has been more of a compass in my life than I would like to admit.

Basically I prefer the outdoors. I prefer being barefoot but if you met me you wouldn’t exactly call me a hippy. I can also appreciate a finely made garment, the difference between a well made shoe and your garden variety Target special. While I like “dress up” I prefer dress down. I’d like my dude to appreciate a well made suit but not need to wear one, just bust it out from time to time to surprise me. I’ve got more formal wear than I’d care to admit but only one time a year to wear them. And even then (although I love the silk) I feel like I look like a drag queen.

I prefer quiet, open spaces to loud peopled cities but I can enjoy a walk down Lexington Ave, NYC.

I don’t know my point but I do know that a once quiet life has disappeared with the new mass of people in my neighborhood. As a teen we would lie down in the middle of Sunset Blvd at midnight knowing that it would be a long time before a car came. That was 25 or 30 years ago, not the 50’s. (I know, stupid teens)

For various reasons I’m stuck in Los Angeles, and that is fine with me. I can escape for a hike and be renewed, jump into the ocean for a baptism and try to keep things quiet inside my noggin.

I’ve been single a very long time and although there are moments I wonder what is going on, I’m not overly worried about it. I’ve stopped blaming myself for being single because I’m a decent chick, I’m attractive, funny, talented and kind. Yes I’ve got that dark artistic side, but I’m not a bitch and I don’t need to shop in order to fix my problems.

The other day an old friend said to me that I should just pick up some young dude and have sex with him so that I wouldn’t be so stressed out. I wasn’t stressed out, I was merely discussing all the wonderful single women we knew. I sort of ignored the comment at the time but it’s stuck in my head. I don’t know anyone who can have random sex and feel good about it. Everyone I know gets attached in some way or another, even the girl who suggested it. I do not want to just “get laid”. Immediate gratification usually makes me sick. My stating that fact tends to label me as uptight and fearful. Sad but true.

Yes I know single women who say they will take any man, even an abusive one. Why? Because they don’t want to be alone. In my opinion when I hear them speak it is like talking to an insane person. They are so convinced of their “philosophy” that they cannot imagine another way of living; a happier, healthier, more considerate way.

I may not live my dream (yet) but my life is authentic. It gets me into trouble because I have a moral compass, but it’s authentic and it’s mine.