Advice, competition, control, jealousy, Viggo Mortensen, Women
I am uncertain how to approach this subject or what the subject is exactly. Is it about confidence, insecurity, competition, self-loathing, or lack of trust? Perhaps all of the above?
In the last 3 months 3 different women I know have readily admitted that they will not take a man they are interested in around other women…until they are secure in the relationship. On further investigation- as far as I can tell- they do not want “temptation” around their men. They will not even take their oldest and dearest friends around said man.
What are the ramifications of this kind of statement/action? The first time a woman said this to me I rebutted that she was trying to control things that had not happened, things she could not control anyway and that it seemed she was saying she did not trust her boyfriend whom she’s been with for over a year.
The second time someone said this to me it was regarding a man she had just met, and “knew” he was to be her life companion, her destiny. They hadn’t even been out on a date but she sensed he was her mate. I don’t scoff at people when they say things like this because they’ve been known to be true. What I did scoff at (driving home alone in my truck, reaction a bit late) was her telling me that she would not introduce him to me under any circumstances. Again with the control thing. Did I mention that the guy already has a girlfriend?
Okay so I get it that when we are interested in a man we get competitive and a bit primitive. I suppose at some point in my illustrious dating life I have stolen a man but never intentionally. I’m just not made that way. I’m not competitive and hey, you cannot steal that which does not belong to you. Okay so I’m a bit defensive but I was seriously hurt and offended by her comment.
The third time this subject came up was from a dear friend in a rotten marriage. When I told her about my experiences, she totally agreed with the other women. I was shocked. She said in no way would she bring a guy she liked around other women…or me.
What does this say? Is this a reflection of hungry women in their 40’s? Is it a reflection of these particular women? Am I missing something here? Are my friends lame?
Look I don’t want the object of my desire to drool over my girlfriends or any other women for that matter, but if he does, who am I to stop him? Again, I can only control my own reaction. It is how I handle the situation that matters. I have to trust there is someone better out there for me.
There are 2 major trust issues at play. The first being that these women do not trust in their own beauty, intelligence and self worth, the other is that they don’t trust their man- or any man for that matter.
I know I’m supposed to think men are pigs, etc. and yes some are (some women too), but I’d like to give men a bit more credit. As far as I can tell, when a dude is into YOU, he is into YOU. Giselle Bunchen could walk into the room and if a dude likes you, his eyes and heart are on you, your 4 eyes, round hips, and big butt. Seriously, men know what they want when they are with it. Sure they might glance up at the skeletal blonde- I might glance up to see if Viggo Mortensen (do Viggo and Giselle look alike?) had walked into a room. That doesn’t mean I’m ditching my date…if I’m really into my date.
We cannot force love. We cannot force attraction. For some reason, women continue to try and force things upon themselves and others, just like the clothes they buy that are inappropriate for them. Has a guy ditched me for one of my friends, yes. Was I wounded? Yes, for about a week (see Cupids Hangover Remedy for cure).
I just find it so sad, tragic and desperate. I understand it to a certain extent but if I hear my teachers voice echoing in my head saying “What is your role?” Then I have to get real. No person, place or thing is going to give me happiness, I must find out about myself first. I must give to myself first before I begin raping and pillaging the land for men. Oh you get what I’m saying, right?
We always play a role in what is happening to us, intentionally or not. If I doubt my man, why do I doubt my man, or am I doubting myself? Why do I doubt myself? As I get older I see how instead of looking at the situation and assessing what needs to be done, people launch into control mode: if I can control this person I will rule the world!
Or something like that.
And then there are the issues of denial, delusion, projection, etc,. I’m angry- which is natural, but it’s my own fault for listening I guess. Retreat! Retreat!
Your friends are weird. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I’ve never heard any of my girl friends, single or heading towards singledom say anything so ridiculous.
They’re handing a lot of power over their emotional lives to other women and to the men; and what’s more, they’re infantilising the men they’re interested in. If the men they’re falling for a so immature that they’ll drop their toys the second they see a nice shiny new one then why be with them?
Crazy isn’t it? But also so sad. As if they are holding themselves prisoner…and their mates for that matter.
hypothetically if i were dating someone. i would have no hesitation of him meeting you.
the people who would not have issues with trust and insecurity in that area…which yes i do understand.
i will be working on trusting people and feeling secure for the rest of my life….just not with you and my imaginary boyfriend.
Thank you. I would say its more about trusting yourself and believing in yourself. If you love yourself, you don’t worry so much about the approval of a guy who doesn’t appreciate you. Most likely you won’t spend time with those that don’t love and respect you.